We look for pieces of identification
It saves us the trouble of reaching deep into our pockets
Running our hands over lint and wrappers of peppermints
Our hands, ripped skin, removing them from jeans that have grown too tight
From overeating or growing age or all of the above
Never fear the fear of growing complacent
It’s just a temporary fix
While we readjust our awareness to the magic of what’s truly important
Focused, tired and busted from the day, still coming out on top
No one can tell us any different
No gen x motherfucker, as much of a friend they are, can instill a single insecurity
This is what we are
We don’t need anything more than the simple we embrace
Slowly and surely, breathing calmly when times get tough
We’re unstoppable because we decided to have a choice
And make it ours alone
My life is in a pretty happy place currently. I think having a relationship would be nice to have eventually, but I don’t feel like the lack thereof is the path to a miserable life. Loneliness, sexual needs, and general boredom come and go, but these are casual feelings I now understand do not impact my overall happiness. It has me thinking more clearly though about my outlook on relationships, both the negative and positive. I’m a confusing person sometimes. My trust is constantly skating on thin ice. One moment can make me feel completely at home with a person, then another moment can make me feel lost and totally uncomfortable. I make people feel safe and willing to open up, but I also get tired and need to escape when I don’t feel reciprocation. Worst of all, I’m total shit at communicating my needs. Best of all, I’m loyal to a fault…if I know you’re there for me in the way I need it.
I have a couple of friends with whom I feel 100% myself. The two of them know who they are. I’m not sure if this connection is built on their level of human compassion or us having things in common, but I know when I speak and act I’m being heard and appreciated. There is no second guessing it. I struggle to find this in relationships. That need is what I’ve always kept a sharp eye out for but have never seen. I question my patience, but I always try to respect the first impression I get when people react to certain things. A part of me is content with accepting this aspect about myself. People easily exhaust me, and it only gets exacerbated when I feel like you’re not getting me.
So yeah I’m a total pain in the ass. I give someone all this benefit of the doubt and then disappear because I have some underlying code I didn’t let them in on. I recently dated someone who taught me the value of being myself and doing what I want – and if that doesn’t line up with who they are and what they want to do, then we can amicably part ways. I don’t need to take things to a level of resentment because I don’t feel an equal share of give and take. As short of an endeavor as it was, it was probably one of the more important relationships I’ve had for that lesson alone.
So as for my attitude going forward, I’ll strive to not be afraid of communicating. But I won’t compromise that feeling I need to be comfortable. And if I’m not comfortable, I won’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole.
Standards rise in a realistic way for once. Perhaps I’m a ticking time bomb waiting to detonate once I discover the fragility of romantic thought. Whatever the case, most people disinterest me. They don’t know how to talk, often bogged down in themselves. To have an inner source of power and truth, but act only outwardly is so attractive. No one can run this drill 100% of the time, but imagine crossing someone with it at least as their default. Asking questions out of real curiosity and not fear of appearing disinterested. Then hitting the jackpot realizing you actually have values and interests in common. Follow it all up with an appreciation for the moment and not trying to dig your claws in to preserve it forever. Shooing away inevitable feelings of loss. To understand that life is a path people will sometimes walk with you and not always at the same time. Feeling your hope die is unpleasant, but to be grateful for having any hope at all is next level. The rare great conversationalist – calm, collected, beautiful with confidence, considerate, and in the rare intimate occasion: compatible. They’re ones hard to let go. But life will stay just as sweet when you encounter such rareness again.
tight waist band
holding up what’s left and awake
the faucet of artificial sugars runs for the sake of it
into a body so hard to build
so pathetically easy to crumble
now i’d like to just feel a regular level of gravity on my eye lids
lift the oh so important stress levels from your own
but buried are we in a corporate fantasy land
where the shit gets done, at any cost
at each and all’s disposal
Some dudes. It’s not that a person may be wrong about something, but some dudes have to be definitively right about said things. Especially when it comes to women. I find it tiresome to be approached with “general consensus” information about the opposite gender. These men are bred out of insecurity, guided to see women only as potential partners and never only as friends. Using their current relationship or marriage as an “only if I were single” barrier because no universe exists where an available version of that man wouldn’t be trying to plow that woman. It’s not allowed because other borderline mental men told them that was the rules.
I had a a man tell me he never had friends who were girls, ever. This same man said he’d never marry or date an “impure” girl – a.k.a. a girl that would (at minimum) suck his dick on the first date (FYI his wife has only been with him. Good kitchen wench). Sometimes it’s that unapologetic – a woman reduced to a role hopefully she’s good at. But truth be told, this man’s wife could exactly the same person, not want to date, sleep with, or no less marry him, and he’d see her as completely different – one he’d view with disfavor.
It is easier to be a man in this world. A personal law of mine is to not have any expectations of others, male or female. That’s an easy law to apply when I feel zero expectations weighing on me from others like women do. It’s something men take for granted because we alone may not hold any expectations of a particular woman, but we can never experience the everyday pressure they feel approaching from all angles. To think if I decided to not shave for one month (currently true)and people actually judged and thought lesser of me for it. But replace my beard with makeup and my gender with female and that’s exactly what you get.
I guess I shouldn’t be shocked by how short-sighted some men are to separate the genders at a species level. You can look to traditionalism as much as you want, but to deny yourself the choice to act on your own accord is disturbing. A lot of men feel an entitlement to their freedom, yet they beg for a script to follow. It’s as if their lives aren’t their own.
I have a responsibility going forward to protect those people when I can from being subjected to such shitty derivative behavior. I understand that now, but I also need to stay conscientious to avoid the waste of breath and time being around it.
No question whether or not the quiet blends hard into the wall. Silence and charisma have never been an ideal pair or most would assume.
There is a desire to know if the broadcast presence of ourselves is clear.
It’s a push and rush like no other.
Sometimes the important decision to make is to jump into the cold water. Let the nerves come alive in the most unpleasant of ways.
Reassuring everyone you’re here isn’t guaranteed, but at least you’ll know you’re alive and well.
Answering a call to intimacy, it flails around like a fish out of water. Flip flopping back and forth, a directional act magnetized to the needs of two. I want to convince it my way, but this struggle to survive does not seek counsel from the instigator. Kick in the different perspective: I’m no longer interested in guiding the general direction of the flip flop, but more mindful of my choice to move myself in front of it or completely out of its way. For the time being, I will abide only on my own terms.
samples unrelated find each other side by side
i never thought this stream of lucidity could keep them all together at once
the clink and clank with each weak current
so sensitive, so jarring and tight for space
as they unwillingly push themselves around for domination
the dreams and lullabies move in quickly to corral
taming this moment, finding a way to make it work
and appreciation is founded by this unexpected cohesion and focus to unfold so graciously and with such forceful peace
no other explanation comes forth other than the belief that anything can mix
given enough tweak and loving attention
you can make anything always meant to be
Working on yourself is hard and feels unnecessary when a bit of temporary reprieve or comfort comes your way.
It’s hard to stay disciplined and focused, especially when things seem to suddenly turn back in your favor.
You can ride the high, but truth be told, you’ll find yourself crashing harder than before when you start to come down from the trip.
Suddenly you’re back at square one, as though you haven’t learned anything. Then you spiral further into believing you’re hopeless to finding the change in yourself you wanted to find.
Trusting the process is a lonely and frightening experience. There’s no sugarcoating it. You will unknowingly use every worst fear you have against you. Protecting yourself and restoring what you’ve established as normal will always be the main priority for these fears, unless of course you break them.
Breaking fear is a matter of accepting it. Ride out the fear. Not running from it. Let the sickness run its course.
There are no epiphanies or trumpets that blare when you finally do break them and start to feel that your best self is the majority of yourself. But quiet moments do occur when you realize how happy you are for no explainable reason. This is your new normal. Never take it for granted.
That’s when you know you’ve caught on to this whole idea of working on yourself. There aren’t any mind games and you no longer need validation from others.
There’s just you and it’s enough.