trust your gut
Do you have trouble trusting your own feelings? Do you find yourself inclined to only make decisions with third-party approval to look back anyway to wonder if you missed something? At the beginning of the summer, I began a journey of self-reflection. I wanted to learn how to be better at being myself while trying to let go of egotistical tendencies and other identity issues.
I began dating someone around this time. I liked her a lot. She was weird, talented, and beautiful, but she had underlying issues that I could never get a full read on. She seemed like she turned to certain things to give herself identity, but I knew from one-on-one moments that she was a kind, considerate, and overall a genuine human being despite having a mixed opinion of herself.
I quickly found juggling my own journey and trying to pursue a new relationship to be difficult and anxiety inducing. I can’t help but make relationships my entire world. I stress constantly over details out of my control, and I’ve never quite come to accept the fact that it’s a leap of faith. This situation felt too delicate to learn and balance casually on the fly.
Whether they want it or not, I tend to prioritize those I care deeply about above my own values. Putting myself on this journey was a game changer, and I decided to not let myself tightrope between listening to my own internal values and fighting old habits. So I ended it.
Nearly three months have passed, but not a day passes without feeling some sense of selfishness, guilt, regret, or all three at once. The idea of her moving on and finding happiness while I spend time alone reflecting makes my time seem like a waste. I try to remind myself that I deserve this positive change even though growth takes time.
Trusting your decisions and your gut values is one thing. The ability to put it above other people’s feelings is the hardest thing for me. This is my most important lesson. Understanding that loving, understanding, and being present for others is an amazing trait to blessed with; but also knowing that you owe yourself the exact same treatment.
Finding validation from others is a painful game that never quite gives you what you seek. Even in looking for their approval, I never once felt insincere about wanting to put others before me. Still I know I have to selfishly take care of myself right now, but muscle memory is hard to break and it gets lonely. I want to be proud of my decision and understand that letting go of this sought out approval is the first step in learning how to treat myself as I’ve treated others.
by ty miller