My life is in a pretty happy place currently. I think having a relationship would be nice to have eventually, but I don’t feel like the lack thereof is the path to a miserable life. Loneliness, sexual needs, and general boredom come and go, but these are casual feelings I now understand do not impact my overall happiness. It has me thinking more clearly though about my outlook on relationships, both the negative and positive. I’m a confusing person sometimes. My trust is constantly skating on thin ice. One moment can make me feel completely at home with a person, then another moment can make me feel lost and totally uncomfortable. I make people feel safe and willing to open up, but I also get tired and need to escape when I don’t feel reciprocation. Worst of all, I’m total shit at communicating my needs. Best of all, I’m loyal to a fault…if I know you’re there for me in the way I need it.
I have a couple of friends with whom I feel 100% myself. The two of them know who they are. I’m not sure if this connection is built on their level of human compassion or us having things in common, but I know when I speak and act I’m being heard and appreciated. There is no second guessing it. I struggle to find this in relationships. That need is what I’ve always kept a sharp eye out for but have never seen. I question my patience, but I always try to respect the first impression I get when people react to certain things. A part of me is content with accepting this aspect about myself. People easily exhaust me, and it only gets exacerbated when I feel like you’re not getting me.
So yeah I’m a total pain in the ass. I give someone all this benefit of the doubt and then disappear because I have some underlying code I didn’t let them in on. I recently dated someone who taught me the value of being myself and doing what I want – and if that doesn’t line up with who they are and what they want to do, then we can amicably part ways. I don’t need to take things to a level of resentment because I don’t feel an equal share of give and take. As short of an endeavor as it was, it was probably one of the more important relationships I’ve had for that lesson alone.
So as for my attitude going forward, I’ll strive to not be afraid of communicating. But I won’t compromise that feeling I need to be comfortable. And if I’m not comfortable, I won’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole.
Standards rise in a realistic way for once. Perhaps I’m a ticking time bomb waiting to detonate once I discover the fragility of romantic thought. Whatever the case, most people disinterest me. They don’t know how to talk, often bogged down in themselves. To have an inner source of power and truth, but act only outwardly is so attractive. No one can run this drill 100% of the time, but imagine crossing someone with it at least as their default. Asking questions out of real curiosity and not fear of appearing disinterested. Then hitting the jackpot realizing you actually have values and interests in common. Follow it all up with an appreciation for the moment and not trying to dig your claws in to preserve it forever. Shooing away inevitable feelings of loss. To understand that life is a path people will sometimes walk with you and not always at the same time. Feeling your hope die is unpleasant, but to be grateful for having any hope at all is next level. The rare great conversationalist – calm, collected, beautiful with confidence, considerate, and in the rare intimate occasion: compatible. They’re ones hard to let go. But life will stay just as sweet when you encounter such rareness again.
Answering a call to intimacy, it flails around like a fish out of water. Flip flopping back and forth, a directional act magnetized to the needs of two. I want to convince it my way, but this struggle to survive does not seek counsel from the instigator. Kick in the different perspective: I’m no longer interested in guiding the general direction of the flip flop, but more mindful of my choice to move myself in front of it or completely out of its way. For the time being, I will abide only on my own terms.
samples unrelated find each other side by side
i never thought this stream of lucidity could keep them all together at once
the clink and clank with each weak current
so sensitive, so jarring and tight for space
as they unwillingly push themselves around for domination
the dreams and lullabies move in quickly to corral
taming this moment, finding a way to make it work
and appreciation is founded by this unexpected cohesion and focus to unfold so graciously and with such forceful peace
no other explanation comes forth other than the belief that anything can mix
given enough tweak and loving attention
you can make anything always meant to be
Working on yourself is hard and feels unnecessary when a bit of temporary reprieve or comfort comes your way.
It’s hard to stay disciplined and focused, especially when things seem to suddenly turn back in your favor.
You can ride the high, but truth be told, you’ll find yourself crashing harder than before when you start to come down from the trip.
Suddenly you’re back at square one, as though you haven’t learned anything. Then you spiral further into believing you’re hopeless to finding the change in yourself you wanted to find.
Trusting the process is a lonely and frightening experience. There’s no sugarcoating it. You will unknowingly use every worst fear you have against you. Protecting yourself and restoring what you’ve established as normal will always be the main priority for these fears, unless of course you break them.
Breaking fear is a matter of accepting it. Ride out the fear. Not running from it. Let the sickness run its course.
There are no epiphanies or trumpets that blare when you finally do break them and start to feel that your best self is the majority of yourself. But quiet moments do occur when you realize how happy you are for no explainable reason. This is your new normal. Never take it for granted.
That’s when you know you’ve caught on to this whole idea of working on yourself. There aren’t any mind games and you no longer need validation from others.
There’s just you and it’s enough.
Scattered thoughts. I’m avoiding thinking of the act of sex, but rather only moments leading to it. Different circumstances trigger different emotions that lead to sex, but those moments often get overlooked for the act to come itself. I imagine the eye contact that draws you closer, sometimes so intimate that sex actually gets in the way of this connection. In these moments, some part of me is falling in love. It might be atom-sized love or the full package, but I don’t see it as important anymore to know how great or little (imagine saying “I’m microscopically in love with you.”) I guess these moments are defined by gaining trust, which sometimes feels violated while having sex, letting someone dive into your vulnerable state, only to be met back with cold, lost and shutdown eyes. Makes you wish you could go back and just stay in that moment preceding sex and learn to appreciate it more. Love fades in and fades out just as quick sometimes. I don’t necessarily mean this as a bad thing, more in a way that you can see it in front of you, but then goes dormant and returns again. No one can remain attached to someone 24/7 with their love stuck to each other. Being in love is what you have for yourself that just happens to co-exist and come into contact with others’ love for themselves. Never are you permanently one, never is the idea of falling in love or being in love always running at maximum power. Teenagers spending sixteen hours a day scribbling someone’s name in their composition journals beg to differ (do they still do that?) Life is incapable of attaining some sort of supreme control over, so I think I’ll stop concerning myself with what the perfect idea of falling or being in love is and take it in any sized doses that it comes.