happy & single looking at relationships

My life is in a pretty happy place currently. I think having a relationship would be nice to have eventually, but I don’t feel like the lack thereof is the path to a miserable life. Loneliness, sexual needs, and general boredom come and go, but these are casual feelings I now understand do not impact my overall happiness. It has me thinking more clearly though about my outlook on relationships, both the negative and positive. I’m a confusing person sometimes. My trust is constantly skating on thin ice. One moment can make me feel completely at home with a person, then another moment can make me feel lost and totally uncomfortable. I make people feel safe and willing to open up, but I also get tired and need to escape when I don’t feel reciprocation. Worst of all, I’m total shit at communicating my needs. Best of all, I’m loyal to a fault…if I know you’re there for me in the way I need it.  

I have a couple of friends with whom I feel 100% myself. The two of them know who they are. I’m not sure if this connection is built on their level of human compassion or us having things in common, but I know when I speak and act I’m being heard and appreciated. There is no second guessing it. I struggle to find this in relationships. That need is what I’ve always kept a sharp eye out for but have never seen. I question my patience, but I always try to respect the first impression I get when people react to certain things. A part of me is content with accepting this aspect about myself. People easily exhaust me, and it only gets exacerbated when I feel like you’re not getting me. 

So yeah I’m a total pain in the ass. I give someone all this benefit of the doubt and then disappear because I have some underlying code I didn’t let them in on. I recently dated someone who taught me the value of being myself and doing what I want – and if that doesn’t line up with who they are and what they want to do, then we can amicably part ways. I don’t need to take things to a level of resentment because I don’t feel an equal share of give and take. As short of an endeavor as it was, it was probably one of the more important relationships I’ve had for that lesson alone. 

So as for my attitude going forward, I’ll strive to not be afraid of communicating. But I won’t compromise that feeling I need to be comfortable. And if I’m not comfortable, I won’t try to fit a square peg in a round hole.

understood

understood

There’s always a bigger picture to construct. Where others sense and react on first impulse, I always try to fit a moment or feeling into the larger scope. I’ve gained a vivid imagination from this practice, but I’ve also failed to live in the moment. The shock and excitement of meeting new people takes me out of this imagination-land and throws me back raw into a hard sensing world. I never allow myself the time to take it slow to adjust to my surroundings especially with new relationships – I  tend to revolve my entire world around them. The pendulum swings back too quickly and I panic when the “new” and “exciting” fades away. 

Once my anxiety spikes, the wear and tear of too much sensing all at once breaks me down. That’s when my exhaustion is taken advantage of by the bigger picture. Normal people call it overthinking.

“You’re tired. You’re losing who you are. This energy is unnatural and not you. This person is selfishly draining you for all you’re worth. Here we go again with another one-sided relationship. You’re going to get stuck and become a shell of yourself again.”

I heard the line recently ‘You never really know yourself’. I think I’ve heard it a lot actually, but it never stuck until I found some application for it. I’ve always wanted so badly to be understood for what I think I am. I was recently having a discussion with a friend and realized that no matter how I willed my behavior and words towards him, his interpretation of me would always be his own. The fight for control suddenly became a liberation. You have no control of your perception in others, in turn, that gives you a greater sense of control in yourself…or at least a peace of mind in letting go of the grip you think you have on yourself. 

Being understood is nice, but complete access to your most precious inner-workings is not necessarily the best course of actions particularly for introverted people. We do solid work here because we’re by ourselves. Who we really are, whoever that may be, is constructed here. Why crave to let someone in to such a delicate place that you have never fully known yourself?  

So am I saying our lives are to be spent misunderstood with a lack of human intimacy? No, I think connecting, being vulnerable, and expressing honesty is still a vital part of existence. I think I want to feel acknowledged and appreciated for my intuition and imagination rather it be massively understood. Tuning in and being present even when you can’t breach the wall of comprehension is enough of an indicator that someone cares and enjoys the mess of a person you are being mysteriously constructed behind closed doors. 

I’ve always tried to open up too quickly to those I feel connected with. As if bearing witness to my own chaos would ascend us together to a new cosmic plane. Likewise, I draw the bigger picture of others too quickly before allowing them to naturally unfold themselves. These broad assumptions only complicate things further because I built up my pride in believing I had them figured out. In reality, I only got an enjoyable first glimpse. Deep down I never want to expose myself too quickly, nor do I want to ruin the journey of getting to know someone over time. I just need to take a step back, breathe, practice some patience, and feed these senses small bites of information at a time.

by ty miller

dating

dating

Information overload. 

Priorities are to be put in place. We’ve got Project A & B in motion, and Project W is currently in development. We make the money we need to eat and pay our debts, but we simultaneously slave away on labors of love. Speaking of love, shouldn’t we be considering that too among the projects?

Great, let’s set up another dating profile, sift through the shit to find the one woman not quoting Michael Scott. Then, among the candidates we’re actually physically attracted to, look for some unseeable intimate and unique reflection of someone who might just avoid the resume and small talk. 

The truth is I don’t care how haunting your past is or any dreams you may have for the future. Admit it, you feel the same about me because it indicates nothing about who we are right now, nor should it. Can you exist in this present with me, or do we dance between what your friends expect and what you actually feel? Everything about you was so beautiful until you started throwing your idea of a self-perceived external opinion at yourself. 

I never gave a shit about the things you do, did, or will do. The things that you label yourself with: dog mom, drug user, football tailgater, or kawaii as fuck. I loved the person you are. The person I see when you turn off the neon sign and allow my eyes to adjust to the dark and natural.

To create an identity out of talking about the mortgage or getting high to escape the sins of this very existence is taxing for me, but welcome to 2019 dating for ages 26 and up and/or on your way out. 

Constructive self-criticism now. My downside is I’m often too quick on the draw in revealing myself, too open and too kind to those I choose to trust too soon. Not considering the fact that everyone crushes on their own pace leaving myself an open field to rain down hellfire of truth-dodging tactics and a lack of peace of mind. I just wanted to get close to you to avoid the noise, not bathe in it. 

Dating isn’t bad, but it’s often not for me. 

by ty miller