Working on yourself is hard and feels unnecessary when a bit of temporary reprieve or comfort comes your way.
It’s hard to stay disciplined and focused, especially when things seem to suddenly turn back in your favor.
You can ride the high, but truth be told, you’ll find yourself crashing harder than before when you start to come down from the trip.
Suddenly you’re back at square one, as though you haven’t learned anything. Then you spiral further into believing you’re hopeless to finding the change in yourself you wanted to find.
Trusting the process is a lonely and frightening experience. There’s no sugarcoating it. You will unknowingly use every worst fear you have against you. Protecting yourself and restoring what you’ve established as normal will always be the main priority for these fears, unless of course you break them.
Breaking fear is a matter of accepting it. Ride out the fear. Not running from it. Let the sickness run its course.
There are no epiphanies or trumpets that blare when you finally do break them and start to feel that your best self is the majority of yourself. But quiet moments do occur when you realize how happy you are for no explainable reason. This is your new normal. Never take it for granted.
That’s when you know you’ve caught on to this whole idea of working on yourself. There aren’t any mind games and you no longer need validation from others.
There’s just you and it’s enough.
I’m going to listen to some dark shit.
Some sick satanic beats.
Furthermore, I’m going to use it to concentrate on important matters.
We are always looking for silence to speak to us because it lacks sound.
But allowing our auditory senses a chance to be overwhelmed blocks out everything.
Silence is waiting to be disturbed.
Why is it only effective to create with a free and quiet mind?
Sometimes amplifying the gravity on ourselves can pressure our imaginations to places we never knew existed.
To feel the peace and tranquility in the beauty of the pain and suffering.
It’s like breathing.
Breathe in the quiet, let out the chaos.
Just don’t hold on to either too tightly.
This is delicate territory for someone like myself. Communicating what you want or need but trying to remain open and receptive to others’ desires and perspectives is an area I’m still not the most comfortable. Bending to others’ viewpoint has been my standard default because I’d rather not argue and fight. Where some crave it, I find it taxing and exhausting. However, I’ve learned the dangers about compromising my own needs and wants to keep some sort of collective harmony. Even worse, I assume both sides are working towards satisfying each other to find some middle ground. What I forget is that there is no middle ground if it hinders what you need or want. Not to say finding some middle ground isn’t beneficial, but it needs to be on terms that works for you. You have to do what you want for you in the end, and fearless communication is the only way to see that you’re getting there. It’s no longer worth getting frustrated waiting for someone to “meet me halfway”. This is a long winded way of saying to stick to your values I suppose. I need to learn that communicating yourself is everything, whether it leads to an agreement or argument. I’ve been so quick and dismissive of others when they are willing to fight against me. Maybe I’ve trained myself to believe that one single attack by them is equivalent to permanently dismissing me. I’m so easy to open myself to the many different outlooks of others that it often surprises me when people quickly and sharply disagree with me. What I forget is that they have a right to stand up for what they see as truth, as do I. I’ll keep an appreciation for my ability to listen, but this so called balanced scale must always tip in favor of my direction first and foremost. Communication can’t be effective if both sides just blindly accept what the other offers.