There’s always a bigger picture to construct. Where others sense and react on first impulse, I always try to fit a moment or feeling into the larger scope. I’ve gained a vivid imagination from this practice, but I’ve also failed to live in the moment. The shock and excitement of meeting new people takes me out of this imagination-land and throws me back raw into a hard sensing world. I never allow myself the time to take it slow to adjust to my surroundings especially with new relationships – I tend to revolve my entire world around them. The pendulum swings back too quickly and I panic when the “new” and “exciting” fades away.
Once my anxiety spikes, the wear and tear of too much sensing all at once breaks me down. That’s when my exhaustion is taken advantage of by the bigger picture. Normal people call it overthinking.
“You’re tired. You’re losing who you are. This energy is unnatural and not you. This person is selfishly draining you for all you’re worth. Here we go again with another one-sided relationship. You’re going to get stuck and become a shell of yourself again.”
I heard the line recently ‘You never really know yourself’. I think I’ve heard it a lot actually, but it never stuck until I found some application for it. I’ve always wanted so badly to be understood for what I think I am. I was recently having a discussion with a friend and realized that no matter how I willed my behavior and words towards him, his interpretation of me would always be his own. The fight for control suddenly became a liberation. You have no control of your perception in others, in turn, that gives you a greater sense of control in yourself…or at least a peace of mind in letting go of the grip you think you have on yourself.
Being understood is nice, but complete access to your most precious inner-workings is not necessarily the best course of actions particularly for introverted people. We do solid work here because we’re by ourselves. Who we really are, whoever that may be, is constructed here. Why crave to let someone in to such a delicate place that you have never fully known yourself?
So am I saying our lives are to be spent misunderstood with a lack of human intimacy? No, I think connecting, being vulnerable, and expressing honesty is still a vital part of existence. I think I want to feel acknowledged and appreciated for my intuition and imagination rather it be massively understood. Tuning in and being present even when you can’t breach the wall of comprehension is enough of an indicator that someone cares and enjoys the mess of a person you are being mysteriously constructed behind closed doors.
I’ve always tried to open up too quickly to those I feel connected with. As if bearing witness to my own chaos would ascend us together to a new cosmic plane. Likewise, I draw the bigger picture of others too quickly before allowing them to naturally unfold themselves. These broad assumptions only complicate things further because I built up my pride in believing I had them figured out. In reality, I only got an enjoyable first glimpse. Deep down I never want to expose myself too quickly, nor do I want to ruin the journey of getting to know someone over time. I just need to take a step back, breathe, practice some patience, and feed these senses small bites of information at a time.
by ty miller